My journey so far…

While listening “Saturday” by FOB at the moment drinkin’my coffee I’m just in a fucking pretty good mood today.. I finally slept a deep and -breathtaking- sleep. I had to fight nightmares the past weeks and was lost in fear. To feel not loved makes you really feel ALONE. That’S how I felt. LOST. (Well, not this stupid TV-Series I can’t get the sense of.. ) I went to the doc 2 days ago because I have to sleep before I write this -life-changing-exam- right?! So, she told me she can’T get me sleeping pills ..(Whysoever.. I didn’T know that she knew about my depressions…U don’T get the pills if you have them I guess..) so she gave me some herbal stuff.. The first night it didn’T work out. Still couldn’T sleep. I was really on the edge of going crazy and just crying all day long. (No sleep makes u such a ghost [of yourself]) HA! But tonight, afterhaving had my last fucking day at that cruel hotel which treats it’s Employees like .. (/you know) after eating lunch at my grannies and being told some old stories of live and ancestors; listening to my Grandpa with his wonderful light life-full-eyes(he gave me chocolate for my soul hehe…;-) ) After having been told by them that they are here, whatever I need (I definitely needed to hear that) and after phoning with one of mybest friends Trisha (She also told me that she’s just right here) I just could fall asleep so easily. I fall asleep like 9pm haven’T been sleeping by this time for.. oh I don’t know.. I thank you all for this night. It was more special than you will everthink of..

XO,

J

this period of live is a pure and concentrated mess. This caretaker of the house is a -Whatshisname- … What a freakin’ ashole stupid one.. gna. Well but I must say that he’S right in some ways. But the thing is, that it’S still all about my mom. She was the freakin one living here just before me. So I have now all her s*** to do. Clean all doors and such freaking time-eating stuff. I’m simply going nuts! Well that’s the way I have to take it. Never take an appartment just as it is… Always take a renovated one! But now it’s like it is and I can’t change ..

… .. …

May someone call a doctor.. certified ill for the past 2 days. didn’T feel well, had such a apdominal crampig I felt like I would explode into 1000 pieces.. (and this is really not funny) Especially if you are 5 days away of your final exams.. Ba the way I’m sleeping bad, fears.. I fear the world. At least the people on it. I fear this exam so much.. I can’T tell so much which goes with it.. Life or no life.. money.. Canada… It’s all in one and one is all..

May god serve me well… I pray such..

-J

Wow, this period of life is exhausting me so much. Quitting a job, starting a new one.. new collegues, new environment, more money more stress. Leaving all behind, quiting an old life is not as easy as it might sound. Renovate an appartment.. The fucking worst of it. I hate renovating appartments I don’t own..;) all this crapy …. Muhahaha! (stay cool, breatheeeeeeeeeeeee.. *Whusa*) Thinkin’ of “Full blown rose- May somebody help me”…I’m so down to earth that it’s getting quite worse.

I’m lonely even though I’m sorrounded by wonderful friends but friends maybe your world but not ur origin… Where’S my origin? I don’T have one. The black sheep. Like to be different.. But it’S so hard to deal with. To be different. A lot of ppl can’T deal with me because I tell them what I’m thinking about their acting. People can’T stand the truth, this is so ridiculous but they don’T want to be lied in the face either. So what the fuck do you want then?! I mean what’S the point? Forget about manners and start to live! If everybody told everyone what they realy think it would be so much easier. And when we acclimate with this acting it’ll be wether weird nor rude. It should be the new etiquette!

Hell, I just miss a husband..:-) Hopefully sooner or later the next 5 years..:)

-J