My journey so far…

…it’s time to write again.. Haven’t written for a couple of days.. What happened? Well, I’m still quite busy because of the christmas business . You might not believe but  <sarcasm>Christmas is hell.. </sarcasm> Yesterday I had a day off since I had an interview for the banquett job I want to do after finishing my apprenticeship in Feb. It’s quite difficult to say if they hire me or not. Let’s see what they say, when they call later. This job would just fit so perfect to my plans.. 2 years of working in the middle frankonia area before leaving for Canada.. Btw… Moma called me 3 days ago! I was so happy to hear her voice. She’s more mom to me than my own could ever be. She was asking how I am and was waiting for the answer (as real friends do) and it was just so good to hear your voice, Tonie. I love you from the heart. I slept very well after our talk, the best sleep since ages..

Tonight I had a very weird nightmare. But they haunt me while I sleep quite often lately.. sigh.. My friends are helping me me. ‘may somebody help me’ Somebodys doing that.. Thank god. MY life the music video.. I miss Edmonton like hell.. I woun’t be able to go back for like another half a year.. (sounds way too long) . Gonna see my girls on sun..

Oh yah! I just finished my Diana Gabaldon book.. it was quite ok.. I mean it was an interesting story about the kinda late mideve and stuff, I read better books though. I just startet the special edition (1999) of “the Hobbit” by JRR…First chapter..good so far!;-) Yah, that’s it for the moment..

- J

wellwanted to write sth.. but I’m too tired now.. exhausted.. where’s my head?!

-J

It’s not about being sick of life, it’s not about being, it’s not about anything bad.

I’m still convinced that every single bad thing will turn out good once it faded. Life always plays the “Ying Yang” game with us. I love life. I love all the feelings I have and had the past 23 years. A lot of them were pretty hurting but I also discoverd what real friendship means, what love means and what it means to be able to trust people. Believe in destiny. Hard to play. I know. Oh man, I have all this weird thoughts all day long. Today was also a strange one.. Imagine. Every morning I wake up and my first thought is “how do I get trough this day?” Afterwards I think of all ppl I know.. I think also a lot about my exboyfriends and friends I had friends I have and friends yet to come. I think about love and hope every single day to bump into so. I (and he as well) fall in love with. It’s so much easier not to walk alone this life.. Then I get up.. Put my music on (favourite is MCR at the moment) and get dressed for the bakery. I walk down to this little bakery to get nice stuff since I love to have breakfast. (life even is worth living just for having breakfast!:-)) Then I return home, feed my kids(Cats) and make coffee. I hop on the couch and read my book listen to my music and eat my breakfast. Really chilly. I love it. I just ignore the total mess my flat is at the moment since I don’T feel like cleaning and whatever. Noone is going to see it anyways.. Once in a while I would look up on the book and listen intense to the song I hear that moment just to cover it; sing along bury all my thoughts just in that moment. start to dream all this stuff over and over again.. Resume all the things I think I’ve done wrong the past weeks. Thinking of all the happy moments as well.. starting to smile.. Will readon the book.. After finishing a chapter and breakfast I would take the stuff to the kitchen which is also a kind of a mess.. (I still don’T care) I just don’t feel like this is all like sissiphus work! Well.. I get my stuff ready for work.. sing along with my music all the time.. -I’m not ok…- It’s really not that I’m unhappy with my life.. I just wanna make it a dream come true. And I’m not there yet:) So I will look for emails and stuff and afterwards I will ride my bike to work (still music on my mp3 player..;-)) I see all this cars passing by and watch all the drivers.. Some of them are watching and I imagine they might be really interested in me and asking themselfs what kind of a person I am.. Funny thing because I do such stuff with ppl I watch.. Where are they going? What did they do last? What would they do if it was their last moment breathing? So I get to work. Have a look at the staff room, who’s there.. Still hoping to see “him” funny thing since he’s such a dick. In the same moment I’m thinking of another person.. Bry. Well, he’s wether reach nor touchable.. So I throw this thought away.. Short “hello” to everyone and then I get into my working clothes.. Grab a coffee and back to the staff room.. Having 20 minutes of chitty chat and organize stuff. Lost in thought.. Will ever someone really love me? What did I do wrong? Is noone seeing how “Complicated” or how “Inspired” I am? Wow… I must be crazy.. Start work.. having all these confusing thoughts while my head is banging still musik into my vains.. “someone get me to a doctor someone get me in a church!” And it’s the silent thrill in my body that tells me that this is what I am wishing to myself.. Where’s my “doctor” and the “church”? Hard to believe I got such thoughts I know.. Somehours of thinking just about work.. Stress. My back hurts, everything.. I feel empty. Counting my tip. Thinking of tomorrow where the same shit will haunt me. Getting home.. hungry. Eating something.. get to bed.. in 8 hours everything will start up new.. Do I need to be saved? No. I need to be loved.

-J

(sorry Joern, thatI still manage to acombine all of you..;)) So a little while ago I told ya, that I was fallen in love with a guy.. Or as the english would say, I was dating him. It was pretty weird since he was the one who acted like he wanted me and then when I decided to give in, he decided to walk out just right away.. So we had some textmsg conversations over the weeks and saw each other once in a while. But I still could’t figure out what he really wanted. And I’m not the easy kind of women.. I have sex when I want sex. And I have sex when I know that I’m not justa fuckbody. So it turned out today – after asking him directly- that he wanted me for being his fuckbody. Well, thank you, bastard! But I’m just able to laugh about that, now that I know. Since I learned how to protect myself! I’m not that stupid girl anymore… That’S a fucking great feeling:) and I’m thankful that I could made this experience to know now, that men no rhave a easy game with me.

Here’S your master… *eg*

-J